This is the epitome of why Cole Duke is one of my best friends:

Me: I need to stop making drama for myself.


Cole: Well, good luck with that.

      Maybe while you're at it, you could invent cold fusion.

Sick.

Who puts an album on Facebook that contains pictures solely of their cats? 71 pictures. I mean, really. And who comments on said album and says that said cats are "adorable"?? Sick.

This post is the second installment of "Dating Advice" by Mom.

Mom: "One monkey don't stop no show."
   Me: "What does that mean??"
Mom: "You know what that means! You're the show. He's the monkey! You gotta keep rollin'!"

Then she sends me a text which reads: "Check your email. I sent you your love mantra...Learn it, live it, work it gurrll!"

And the email is a link to a motown song by a female group called Honey Cone, with their 1972 hit single: "One Monkey Don't Stop No Show." Hahahaha.

http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/honey_cone/one_monkey_dont_stop_no_show.html

My mom is hilarious.

This post is about karaoke, or the lack thereof

So last week, our ward had a going away party for a kid that was moving, and the flyer said we'd be doing karaoke.  I got a little excited because karaoke is pretty fun.  But, then I said to my roommates, "Well I better not get too excited because knowing a bunch of LDS kids, they will just want to sing Disney songs." Then I start naming off random Disney songs like "I Just Can't Wait to be King," etc, and we had a good laugh. So we walk into the party, and the first song playing is "When You Wish Upon a Star." Really?? Do people even know the definition of karaoke? Merriam-Webster Online says it's "a form of ENTERTAINMENT involving the use of a karaoke machine." Can someone please tell me what is entertaining about singing the world's slowest song? This is a party, you sing party songs, not lullabies. Then they proceeded to look up the most obscure Disney songs from the Hunchback of Notre Dame and Hercules. It's bad enough to sing Disney songs, but singing lame Disney songs is inexcusable.  Appropriate karaoke songs would be songs by people like Pat Benatar,Vanilla Ice, Journey, etc. Classic stuff that everyone has heard of, that is upbeat and accompanied by a hilarious outdated music video.  Anything less is just a waste.  I'll remember next time that when the ward says "karaoke," they really mean "choir practice."

This post is about Iron Man 2...sort of.

I saw Iron Man 2 today.  I know, a little late...but that is the beauty that is the dollar theater. (I don't know why everyone calls it the dollar theater though, cuz it definitely costs a dollar fifty.)  I'm not a big action fan, but I thought that movie rocked, and I will tell you why: TWO songs by The Clash in a row! Man, I love The Clash.  It makes me so sad that some people have not even heard of them, and therefore, do not appreciate them.  It makes me even more sad when people say "Rock the casbah" and don't even know that is a song by The Clash.  Lame, lame, lame.  I'm pretty sure that every day that I live in UT, I am more grateful for my mother who taught me cool stuff like who The Clash is.  The whole thing about The Clash isn't directly related to UT because I know plenty of people outside of UT who don't know them, but I'm just sayin'.

I also found out during Iron Man 2 that I'm totally that person who talks loud at the movie theater.  It's not like I'm trying to have a conversation or anything, it's just that occasional, "Whoa!" or "Oh Man!" or "Watch out!" Lol. There's a stereotype about that, you know.  I called my mom and told her that I have that disease that people of our color sometimes have.  She said, "What? Sickle cell anemia?" Lol. "No, talking loud at the movies."  She had never heard of that.  I thought that was a stereotype.  Am I wrong?  Also, am I allowed to be talking about this on my blog? Hahaha.

This post explains why Rachel Ray is disgusting...just in case you didn't already know.

It's official: Rachel Ray is disgusting. And not for the reasons that you would automatically think of, like posing naked for a magazine or something (I'm pretty sure she did that.). I mean, that is disgusting, but I've got another bullet to add to the list of reasons why Rachel Ray is disgusting.  So yesterday, my roommates and I were bored, so we decided to watch 30 Minute Meals for the sheer purpose of making fun of it.  Oh, and there was a lot to make fun of, since she explained like EIGHT times what a slider is, and then proceeded to tell the world how every person in her immediate family plus her sister-in-law likes his or her tuna cooked (I really don't care!).

Ok, that was the annoying part, but the disgusting part was this: that woman does not wash her hands!  She was making tuna burgers out of raw tuna.  She takes the raw tuna out of the packaging, cuts it all up on the cutting board, then picks up a cloth to dry the raw tuna juice off her hands.  Then she uses the same knife to cut up the "butter" lettuce that's going on the "brioche" roll...oh, I'm sorry, not roll, slider. Never even rinses off the knife...puts the unused, now raw tuna coated lettuce back in the lettuce bag. Ten minutes later, she finally announces that she is going to go wash her hands in the sink...and she does not use soap! SICK! Dude, you are on TV; how are you not going to use soap when you wash your hands? I'm sure I could make a meal in 30 minutes too if I never took the time to wash my hands properly or any of the kitchen tools/utensils I was using to make said meal. 

I hope your dinner guests enjoy spending 30 minutes in the bathroom three days from now when you use that leftover, salmonella-ridden butter lettuce to make them a spring salad with EVOO (extra virgin olive oil) dressing.

It's a good day when someone wants you to burn them a copy of your new Hanson CD. I'll let that "someone" remain nameless for now, but you know who you are!

P.S. The new Hanson CD rocks! Here is a review from Rolling Stone:

Shout It Out

By Barry Walters

2010 06 08

Lots of teen idols routinely make proclamations of independence but few actually follow through. Isaac, Taylor and Zac Hanson's fifth album since their 1997 breakthrough is entirely self-written and self-produced, and aside from some bass lines and horn riffs, it's all self-played. Having flexed their rock muscles on 2007's The Walk, the Hansons pump up the soul in their pop, stretching beyond the Jackson 5-isms of "MMMBop" to embrace Sixties Southern R&B. Most white guys who aim for Ray Charles end up like the Blues Brothers, but on effusive tracks like "Thinking 'Bout Somethin'," Tulsa's favorite siblings simply sound liberated.

This post quotes my mom's dating advice

"Hey, we're out there fishin' man; if we get a bite, we get a bite; if we don't, we cast our net someplace else."

LOL. Whose Mom talks like this??

This post contains lame icebreaker questions

1. If you could buy any bumper sticker, what would it say?
2. What's your favorite peanut butter brownie?
3. What's your favorite color of ice cream?
4. If you dropped a bag of M&Ms on the ground, what color would you pick up and eat?
5. What's your favorite flavor of toothpaste?
6. Would you rather have a ginormous head or a shrunken head?
7. If you could never go to one place for your whole life, where would you never go?


I'm still thinking of more lame questions to add to this list...

P.S. #2 is not lame. #2 is hilarious!

This post is a retelling of the most random 2 truths and a lie I have ever heard

I'm a cat.
I'm a monkey.
I'm a water bearer.

????

Gotta love FHE.

This post is a list of the songs I would buy if I had an iTunes gift card

1. "Are You That Somebody?"-- Aaliyah
2. "Whataya Want From Me?"-- Adam Lambert
3. "Substitution"-- Silversun Pickups
4. "Lazy Eye"-- Silversun Pickups
5. "Tom Sawyer"-- Rush
6. "1901"-- Phoenix
7. "Survivor"-- Destiny's Child
8. "After The Love Has Gone"-- Earth, Wind, & Fire
9. "U Got It Bad"-- Usher

Suggestions are welcome :)

This post is about what a 0.59 McDonald's cheeseburger REALLY costs you:

$5.59 for Pepto Bismol
$6.39 worth of Gatorade
$3.00 for a thermometer
$3.29 for extra-strength Tylenol
_______________________
$18.27.....

plus tax
plus food poisoning
plus no sleep
plus a fever of 101.2

Ba da ba ba ba....I'm NOT lovin' it.

This post contains some killer rock band names

Recently, I've been coming up with some band names; not for me, just for the world, or maybe my posterity if they decide to start a band. I just figure this is one way I can give a little back, you know?

1. Elevated Staircase
2. Unexplainable Bruises
3. Tap Water
4. Halibut Sunrise
5. Chaos at the Malt Shoppe

These names are not copyrighted, but if you steal them, I will end you. Also, these are names of rock bands, not barbershop quartets that do covers of Michael Buble. Just thought I would clear that up, just in case. Ok, maybe a quartet could be called Chaos at the Malt Shoppe, but only if they do covers of rock music. That would actually be pretty cool.

This post is about something I hate

I officially hate it when girls talk to their boyfriends in baby voices... I'm just sayin.

This post is about British things

So, last week was the best British experience of my life (outside of going to London, of course). I went to a birthday party, and the theme was a British tea party. We had crumpets, herbal tea, and beans and toast. Some people dressed "British". The party's soundtrack was The Beatles. But, the crowning jewel (that's a British phrase right?) of the party was the British accent contest. If anyone knows me, they will know that I am always looking for an excuse to use an accent, so a party where accents are required is pretty much my dream come true. Everyone had to introduce themselves and say something to accentuate their Britishness. So, I said, "'Ello, my name is Joriann. I currently reside in Yorkshire of Hampshire. In my spare time, I like to take turns in the garden, or write novels, or draw in the drawing room." Ha ha, well guess who won the contest? Me! So, now that I have so much credibility, I'm going to produce a show called "So You Fancy You Can Talk British?", a British accent contest. I think it's a smashing idea.

This is what I don't think is a smashing idea. An activity where they teach you how to do the dances from Pride and Prejudice. If you want to know why this activity does not have my stamp of approval, see #5 on my list of things that I don't like that everyone else likes. I don't understand what it is with girls and Pride and Prejudice, I really don't. When the activity was announced, one girl asked, "Do we get to dress up like they do in the movie?"...Um, do you GET to dress up??? As if you have just been waiting for an opportunity to bust out your ill-fitting, empire waisted, low-cut, long sleeve, no ankles showing, makes you look like you are pregnant dress, and your bonnet.

That is all I have to say about British things...cheers!

This post is about me being retarded.

I am actually fighting the urge to text someone "Happy Groundhog Day" today. So sad...

But which is more sad: the fact that the idea to do that came into my mind? Or the fact that I am blogging about it?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

This post is about a word that is dumb.

Besties. As in, my best friends are my "besties." No. That is dumb. That is a dumb word.

These are words that would be appropriate to use instead of "besties": peeps, homies, homeslices.

This post is about a Friday night game of Cranium

Once again I am amazed at the depth of my pop cultural knowledge, especially in comparison to others. The scene: your typical Provo young female adult apartment. The activity: "Come one, come all!" game night. Rule #1. All game nights must be proceeded by the viewing of a Disney movie. Rule #2. Some homemade treat must be provided. The consequence: 12 LDS kids trying to play a game while under the influence of sugar and movies of the "happily ever after" persuasion. They might as well have been sippin' on gin and juice. This is the only logical explanation for people not knowing things that they should know as Americans that breathe.

The great thing about Cranium is they have this Star Performer category where success is based entirely on one's knowledge of music and movies. The terrible thing about Cranium is they have this Star Performer category where success is based entirely on one's knowledge of music and movies. These are the people that 10 out of 12 people had either never heard of, or had heard of, but knew nothing about: 1. James Brown. JAMES BROWN! THE GODFATHER OF SOUL! THE HARDEST WORKING MAN IN SHOW BUSINESS! I FEEL GOOD! JAMES BROWN! 2. Barbara Streisand. 3. Ed McMahon. 4. Milli Vanilli. These are the songs that people were unable to hum and/or recognize: 1. "What's Goin' On?"- Marvin Gaye. 2. "I Heard it Through the Grapevine"- Marvin Gaye. 3. "Yesterday"- The Beatles. Only three of the most popular songs ever. And the most memorable question of the night was...."What's Motown?" Sigh. The only person that everyone in the room guessed correctly was Mary Poppins.

What is this world coming to?!

This post is a list of things that I don't like that everyone else seems to like

1. Michael Buble
2. Law & Order
3. Chili's
4. The Olympics
5. Pride and Prejudice
6. Dairy Queen
7. Handicap parking spaces
8. Hot tubs
9. Lost
10. the violin
11. "Hotel California"- the Eagles
12. "Sweet Home Alabama"-Lynyrd Skynyrd
13. Motorcycles
14. Curly fries
More things will be added to this list as I think of them.

This post reflects the things I learned on the drive from Baton Rouge to Provo

1. New Mexico is also known as the Land of Enchantment.
2. The only thing enchanting about NM is the overpasses that are brightly painted with colors from the southwestern motif color palette.
3. It's miles per gallon, so if you drive faster, the gas will go away faster; it has nothing to do with hours driven.
4. The La Quinta in Amarillo, TX has a waffle maker that makes waffles shaped like Texas.
5. If you accidently pour syrup instead of batter directly onto the waffle maker, you will be pleasantly surprised by the outcome.
6. People in the SW corner of Colorado always drive under the speed limit.
7. Every bathroom in every gas station from LA to UT is cleaner than the bathroom in the Old Navy in Baton Rouge.
8. If you don't go eat a free 72 oz. steak at the Big Texan in Amarillo, you will regret it for the rest of your life.